Tackling Mental Illness Together
I have met a lot of people in my personal and professional life who are in romantic relationships with partners living with a mental illness and their experiences seem to have several things in common. For starters, they measure the quality of their own life by how their partner is doing at the moment. At least they’re tempted to. I once asked a client of mine at the start of a session how he was doing and he said, “Well, the delusions have passed.” This guy’s wife was the one with delusions; he was struggling with some co-dependence.
“There may be a sense of grief when you realize what limitations your partner’s mental illness puts on your relationship.”
If you’re in an intimate relationship with someone who has a mental illness, something else you may have experienced at some point is a very disorienting sense of ambivalence towards your partner.
Obligation | Guilt | Rage | Hope
And then there’s the sense of grief when you realize what limitations your partner’s mental illness puts on your relationship. For example, one partner’s shopping sprees when they are in the throes of a manic episode can leave the couple’s hopes for a dream European vacation vanquished. Or one partner’s struggles with a binge-eating disorder and low self-esteem might interfere with a robust sex life and leave the other partner often feeling rejected.
But there’s also love there—somewhere. You remember it. You even get glimpses of it at times. Enough times that you stick it out through that Long Island Iced Tea of emotions.
But what are you supposed to do with all those valid, yet competing and confusing feelings? Keeping them to yourself can actually build resentment and lead to emotional distance. But won’t sharing them lead to the person who is carrying the diagnosis to feel blamed and even more burdened by their mental illness? Can they really handle that?
Short answer: it depends.
What if partners of people diagnosed with mental illnesses viewed the mental illness the same way we would view an invasive in-law who has overstayed their welcome? And what if instead of marching right up your partner shouting, “Your family is nothing but hillbilly heathens and you need to do something about your Cousin Clovis!”, you marched right up to your partner shouting, “Cousin Clovis is ruining the crock pot. That’s where we make chili. We need to do something!”
The first scenario gets personal and places sole responsibility for finding solutions on your partner. In the second scenario, you’re no less angry, but you’ve named the real cause of your frustration and enlisted yourself into the campaign with your partner for finding solutions.
When I work with couples (or families) in which one member has a mental illness I find it helpful to discuss the mental illness as though it is a third person in the relationship, albeit an unwelcome person. If you love someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness, rather than speak of the diagnosed person as though they have the problem that is inconveniencing you—which can feel blaming and stigmatizing for your partner—I encourage you to externalize and refer to the illness by name.
Instead of talking about how Mark overdrafted the joint bank account when he was manic, speak of Mania—that dirt bag—showing up and taking money from the vacation fund you and Mark were building. For another example, Amy isn’t the scapegoat who refuses to be intimate with you because she lacks confidence; it's Insecurity that keeps showing up like a cold sore whenever you and Amy are trying to get close.
ut Mental Illness is the thing you both despise; it's the thing you both are trying to move to the fringes of your relationship. Working towards a shared goal is one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship. With this shared goal, you don’t have to keep your frustrations to yourself, and expressing your negative feelings about how Mental Illness got in the way is not a personal attack on your partner.
Try This:
You and your partner, together, decide on a name for the mental illness. It can be as simple as using the diagnosis itself as a proper noun, like Depression, Anxiety, or Trauma. It can also be a particular symptom like Sadness, Worry, or Fear. Feel free to get really creative and make up any name you want.
You and your partner talk about times when, from each of your perspectives, [insert the name you chose here] tends to show up in your relationship. Talk about times when [insert the name you chose here] stayed out of the way.
Things to Note:
I wouldn’t recommend this technique if the two of you don’t yet agree that there is a mental health issue in need of being managed.
While this strategy can certainly help you have a non-blaming way to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling impacted, don’t be surprised if, despite your best efforts, there are times when Mental Illness blocks your partner’s ability to interpret your words as supportive. That’s just the kind of a**hole Mental Illness can be. Reach out to a therapist to help the two of you have these conversations together.